Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Introduction to the RESEARCH PAPER
Class, now is the time to post your research introduction. We will treat this in the same way as the previous blogging assignment. However, I want you to respond to two of your peers who you had not responded to in the last blog. This will give you an opportunity to read other research ideas. In your two responses to your peers, be sure to offer suggestions for improvement in the introduction. The introduction should be about 400-600 words. So, it should be thorough. Remember, it is an introduction to a research argument. Keep the thesis as the last sentence. You may use one or two paragraphs for the introduction. Good Luck everyone! In your critique of one another - everything counts - mechanics too. Remember - offer critiques to two other peers (none of the two from the last blog).
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Introduction
ReplyDeleteAll poetry really is, is a confession. It is the point at which a person's strength gives out; it's the admittance of an honest recognition. As Jewel Kilcher would say, "Poetry is the most honest and immediate art form that I have found, it is raw and unfiltered" (Kilcher 16). A poem is made up of tiny, little confessions being pieced together into one masterpiece. Confessional poetry is a type of poetry dedicated solely to an outpouring of internal confessions. Confessionlists use their own personal experiences to write a poem, which may often times be situations that are deemed intimate or traumatizing. The Confessionalist Movement included writers that used those confessions in their poetry with two of its most recognizable and best writer's, John Berryman and Sylvia Plath.
"Daddy" by Sylvia Plath and "Dream Song 1" by John Berryman are both examples of how a father can influence the life of two poets. Picture someone, around the age of eleven, playing with their trains in the comfort of their home and bedroom, looking out of their window, and watching their father shoot themselves in the head. Imagine how loud that gunshot must have heard in the adolescent ears of that person. Envision that person having to replay that situation over and over again in their mind for the rest of their lives. John Berryman could certainly relate as he uses his view of his father's suicide in his poem "Dream Song 1". Now imagine Sylvia Plath as she lives a life with the strict hand of her father through her education and daily life. Even worse, visualize losing him at the age of twelve. Try to understand how it must have felt to know that a father is dying of a disease, yet there is not a single thing to do to help him survive. Sylvia surely conveys her misery and traumatizing experience, by diving into the human mind to pull out those threads people like to keep hidden in the recesses, and uses that in her poem "Daddy." Both of these poems are similar in their theme of a traumatizing incident dealing with a father, plus they include the same mechanics of dramatic pauses and deliberate emphasis to make a distinct impression that these personal experiences they lived were terrible to live with, not to mention write down. Confessionlists Sylvia Plath and John Berryman, use their own personal experiences by diving into the human mind to write the poems "Daddy" and "Dream Song 1;" Interestingly, they are similar in mechanics, theme, and the overall impression.
Hey Sophie - 426 words!! Fantastic!!!
ReplyDeleteSophie,
ReplyDeleteI think that you have a solid introduction that gives plenty of back ground on the poets lives. I believe that your introduction really gets you ready to read the rest of your paper, and engages your reader. I love how you started your introduction with your personal definition of poetry. Like Dr. Pam had told us, you started out broad and then narrowing it down to an extent. I think you did great by starting out with poetry, then confessional poetry, then confessionlist movement, but I think you may have dived into Berryman and Plath too soon. I would have been very interested to learn more about the confessionlist movement such as when it was, where it occurred, and what it was all about. I think that you have an awesome start to your paper. But, if you would, please consider my suggestion of giving your reader just a tad more information about the Confessionlist Movement itself.
Best of Luck on your paper!
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ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThrough the centuries communication has been the way people survive. Starting way back in the time of Rome, they used roads to communicate to keep their empire together and united. Now a days, ways to communicate have become much more sophisticated. People use cell phones, computers, and they even write letters. It is how the country functions. If we could not communicate across the country, or even across the globe, some businesses and families would fall apart. Teenagers use all types of techniques to stay in touch with friends. They use social networking sites, cell phones, letters, and even web cams. Without this, some teenagers would be lost. It is how they thrive. But just why have cell phones become such a large component of society?
ReplyDeleteCell phones are widely used, throughout all generations. From older grandparents to young children, cell phones can be seen in use. They have become so important that hundreds of thousands of texts and calls are sent everyday throughout the globe. They are the central form of communication and how we all stay connected. Teenagers use their cell phones to keep in touch with friends they have not seen in a long time, especially if they have moved, however this communication is sometimes pointless. Teenagers carry on conversations with their boyfriends or girlfriends through texting just because they can. There is no other reason. Teenagers now a days though are using their cell phones for more than communication. Most teenagers use their cell phones for playing games and checking social media sites, such as Facebook. Texting is still such a huge part of society, but now cell phones have to keep being updated. Smart phones have become the newest craze and everyone is rushing to buy them. On smart phones, people can take pictures and use it as their camera, go on the internet, download all kinds of applications, play games, read books, and so much more. It is no wonder that cell phones are no longer just used to call someone. Teenagers spend hours a day on their cell phones. They use them to keep themselves occupied. That is when use of cell phones increases, when teenagers are bored and looking for something to do. That is why teenagers spend so much time on them. They know of no other ways to keep themselves entertained for longs periods of time. American society, especially teenagers, have become dependent on cell phones. Even though cell phones are a good form of communication, teenagers are addicted to them because they have become primary sources of entertainment.
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ReplyDeleteSophie,
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Kristin in saying that you developed your introduction very well. I knew that you were comparing the works of two different poets, but I had no clue what kinds of poems they each wrote. I was very drawn into your topic from the moment I began reading certain parts of your introduction, such as the mentioning of the traumatic events each had witnessed. I think that you are very knowledgeable with poetry and that your topic is a perfect fit for your style of writing.
I, too, would agree that you chose to describe Berryman and Plath a little too early. If I were writing your introduction, I would have kept their descriptions for somewhere close to the ending. Even though the beginning of the paragraph should be broad, you made it a little too open by giving away the descriptions so early. I would suggest making some corrections concerning that and to continue with your passionate writing throughout your paper. I think the way you use words and turn them into something that compels readers to want to continue is a beautiful gift and talent that you could take far beyond a research paper.
I hope you have the ambition to continue with your introduction, turning it into a piece of work that everyone will find interesting. Most of all, I hope you have fun with it.
Steph,
ReplyDeleteYour topic correlates with mine concerning some similar points. Cell phones have given a new meaning to our generation. They are not used solely for making calls, but for doing everything except that. I use my Smartphone for so many different things, but I am usually always texting friends. I know that I waste so much of my time by doing that, but it is so entertaining that I feel the need to. I text while trying to do homework, which I realize impairs my concentration and focus. I believe that everything you have stated within your introduction is very true and agreeable with today’s day and age.
If I were to suggest any changes for your introduction, I would change one sentence for sure. “If we could not communicate across the country, or even across the globe, some businesses and families would fall apart.” I think you should change the wording a little bit. I would switch the words “country” and globe”. I feel that it makes more sense and fits into place a little better.
Overall, I already believe that your research paper will be very informative and should turn out to be something most of us can take a little piece of ourselves away from. I would like to incorporate some of your main ideas with those of mine. I think that together, we could write a great research paper involving cell phone usage and Facebook addiction.
I send my best wishes and hopes for your final product.
Steph,
ReplyDeleteI admit as I am sitting here doing my homework I am guilty of what you have just stated in you thesis statement. I have checked my phone various times and even went online once or twice in order to procrastinate from doing my home work. I think that you have a good introduction. It is filled with many good examples. One thing that I like is how you started it off. People would never really compare the ancient communication of Rome and the new communication of the future because they seem so different, but you help show the reader that they are not the different. It is a great way to show how important communication is because it has been around for such a long time. There are some areas however that I think could use improvement. In this sentence “Teenagers now a days though are using their cell phones for more than communication” it may be little wordy and does not really flow when you read it. A suggestion that I would have concerning words and word order would be, “Today’s teenagers are using their cell phones for more than just communication.” Replacing “now a days” with “today’s” seems less wordy. And to me the “though” seemed unnecessary. I remember talking to you about your research paper and research and you said that you had so many statistics and I think it would be a good idea to incorporate just around one or two of them into your introduction. I know you are probably saving them for the rest of your paper, but I think adding one statistic that is really outstanding will really give your introduction a wow factor. It will help draw the reader’s attention. You do not have to listen to my advice, but I hope that I have helped you gather some ideas to improve your introduction even more. Good Luck with the rest of your paper.
Introduction
ReplyDeleteAn addiction can be considered as a substance or idea that takes away from the main focuses of life, causing a person serious harm and abuse. Most common addictions of today’s society are well-known substances such as alcohol, tobacco, and the use of pornographic sites or references. Very few people realize that addictions of today’s day and age have gone above and beyond those of past years and generations. Not only are people, teenagers especially, abusing alcohol and their human bodies, but are enveloped within the newest evolution of addiction. Teenagers of today are the generation of tomorrow. Every decision they choose to make now will not only affect them, but also those who will live after them. Politicians now are already apologizing to today’s generation for all the mistakes they have made, which will continue to affect them as the go through life. Teenagers need to take a long, hard look at the lives they are choosing to live and the decisions that are made every day.
Facebook is arguably one of the most well-known and recognizable sites on the internet today. Over 750 million people belong to the site. Of those, over half log on each day to check their profiles and to update statuses. Not only are they spending too much time engulfed in a site that is demeaning to their lifestyle, but they are also becoming addicted. When the site first began, in order to become an active user, one must be at least eighteen years old. One of the main reasons why younger generations are becoming addicted at such young ages is that the privacy settings have been changed. Facebook opens its site up to everyone of every age. Safety measures and precautions are stated for those under eighteen, but the privacy is becoming so obsolete that virtually anyone can access whosever page they wish. What draws users to Facebook is the design and applications it offers. Games and activities found on the site attract people into spending hours upon hours staring at the screen, completely oblivious as to what is going on around them. Most people confess to checking their Facebook pages at least five times each day, but many more admit to visiting the site close to a dozen times. What examples are teenagers and even parents setting for those who look up to them the most? Is overusing social networking sites allowable in society, or is the addiction too much to consider resolving? Social media is a benefit to teenagers in many ways; however, it is becoming an addiction at an early age, which is ultimately affecting their time management skills.
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ReplyDeleteKristy,
ReplyDeleteI was really intrigued into your paper by the very first paragraph. I felt that you made a very good opening statement with the addiction comments. This really allows a broad range of people to become interested in what you are talking about in your paper. Also, on another note, it makes it very relatable. Everyone has something that they are addicted to, so it can reach really almost everyone in the world. I can definitely see that you are using that triangle effect in your paper by starting broad, then working your way into your thesis. I also liked the examples you used to back up your thesis and give it more credibility.
I was a little worried when reading your second paragraph as to where you were going with the whole new privacy settings and everything, but once I read on to your thesis I realized that you were talking specifically about how it is an addiction to a younger age. I think that is probably the main point to your paper, which I thought you made pretty evident in your second paragraph. May I suggest using a quote of some sort to maybe make it credible? Perhaps someone else commenting upon how younger users are becoming more addicted? Just a thought.
Overall, I am excited to see where this paper is going, and how you are going to continue to argue your thesis. Also, I am an avid user myself so I would like to see how you provide details on how detrimental his addiction really is.
Good luck!
My introduction
ReplyDeleteHumans, by nature, strive to enjoy themselves. Pleasure is welcomed while discomfort more than often denied. This search for fun and enjoyment is true in every facet of one’s life. This may be especially true in relation to what one does in their free time. This is crucial because what occurs in these spare moments is what defines one’s life. Activities can be educational, physiological, physical or a combination thereof.
Playing games have been a pastime going all the way back to the times of the Ancient Greeks and Aztecs. That tradition has continued throughout the many years and still thrives today, but in a different form. As of the past twenty years, gaming has experienced a significant change. Recent advances in technology have allowed for a different variety of games. Video games have been introduced and quickly caught on and are on the rise. Over the years violence has been incorporated into the games. Like all new things, there are skeptics. These skeptics only see the bad and not the good. Humans are fond of having fun. It is also one’s instinct to yearn for knowledge. In times of stress and tribulation, one attempts to rid themselves of such things. Video games can ensure and provide said things thus they should accepted and encouraged. Alas, there is controversy surrounding violence in video games.
Disbelievers often only see the bad in video games. They are blinded by anomalies such as the Columbine Case. It has been shown that in cases like theses, the actors had an underlying psychological issue. All too often, over exposure, excessive playing, and lack of maturity are the causes of these tragedies. Overexposure incurs a problem that is becoming relevant in present day society – desensitization to violence. With this, desensitized youths do not see violence as a terrible, disgusting reality. These problems were common among those who were not of age. With discretion and responsibility of the player along with the parent games can be rewarding and useful. Valuable life skills that are not teachable are one of the several benefits of video game playing. Violence does need to be the focus of gaming. The skills gained are one of the good things gained by video games. Although violence may promote aggression and rebellion among young adults, video games are not corruptive to all since they are merely games that provide stress relief and personal enjoyment.
Ryan,
ReplyDeleteWow! Your introduction was excellent. I thoroughly enjoyed it. The flow of your introduction wsa what really got me. Your content is very good. I just have a few suggestions. The sentence “Video games have been introduced and quickly caught on and are on the rise” is confusing and wordy; I recommend changing it somehow. Maybe, Video games were quickly caught on to when there were introduced, and ever since they have been on the rise. This sentence is confusing as well “Video games can ensure and provide said things thus they should accepted and encouraged”. I think you want to say “Video games can ensure and provide said things thus they should be accepted and encouraged”. In the second line of the third paragraph you have theses, which is supposed to be these. I was also confused with this sentence “With discretion and responsibility of the player along with the parent games can be rewarding and useful”. The underlined part confused me primarily. Other than those few mistakes, I enjoyed your introduction. The flow! It just kept pulling me to the end. Even if I did not have to read the whole introduction I would be forced to by it. Consider my suggestions, remember though that it is your paper, and that you do not have to change your introduction at all if you do not want to. Keep up the great work, and I sure the rest of your paper will flow as well!
Introduction
ReplyDeleteThe new book smell, the rows of crisp black text, the stiff new binding, the smooth white pages- all characteristics of a brand new textbook. As the school year begins, teachers hand out books; some are thrown into book bags and lockers and ignored until class. Others are used so many times, pages are beginning to be torn from their bindings. The amount of knowledge contained in these books is unimaginable. This knowledge is what will lead students to their future endeavors. In the American society, schooling and learning is looked at with the highest regards. Those who have the best education often have the most opportunity to excel. Learning begins at the young age of one, or even younger, when one starts to learn the basics of walking, speech, problem solving, and reasoning. These same concepts will be built upon throughout elementary and high school. The college level is then where one starts to specialize their learning on one to several topics. But one never stops learning. The resources used in education throughout a life time are limitless; knowledge is not contained too strictly to textbooks.
The vivid color that fills the screen, the sensitive touch screen, the new personalized settings, the thousands of application and books available at one’s finger tips- all characteristics of a new electronic reader. This is the choice of a new generation. The knowledge that can be accessed on these devices is unfathomable. Text books are filled with knowledge but in today’s world new observations and studies are done daily, which lead to the most up- to- date and advanced results. These new results build even more on the knowledge that has been taught to one from textbooks. The possibilities are endless; students can access books, learning applications, famous speeches, poems, research data, the internet, and so much more. With these resources learning will be much more in-depth. The extra facts and better quality learning will give students an advantage over others around them. Jobs will be more readily available, and the advanced knowledge that accompanies the student will allow him or her to excel at their job. These students who receive the highest jobs and position because of their superior education and vast array of knowledge can change society. One may find the cure to cancer, AIDS, or other crippling diseases. Others may help society and its people with a governing position. The possibilities for success are endless, just as those of using electronic readers in the educational system. This is why electronic readers should be used in schools to enhance the acquisitions of resources; as a result this will provide students with a competitive edge as they advance to higher education.
Kristy,
ReplyDeleteI love how you open with the definition of addiction. That was really clever. I also love how you connected past addictions and how they have formed into today’s world. I also like how you include mind-blowing statistics. That really intrigues us as an audience and makes us think. I also like how you list some things you can do on Facebook and why it is becoming so addicting. I completely agree with all of that because I am one of those people that spend countless hours on there, without even realizing I do it.
One objection I would have to you is that maybe you dove straight into Facebook too quickly. You went from talking about teenagers and addictions straight into Facebook and its addicting qualities. I would suggest talking about social networking sites and explaining the use of those and why they are important.
Also in regards to your comment on mine, we should definitely get together because some of our points do seem very similar. Good luck!
Taylor,
ReplyDeleteYour opening sentence really had me intrigued and I wanted to know more about it. I also like how you talk about the use of textbooks and how some are just ignored. I also like the flow of your introduction and how it dwindles down from generalized textbooks to electronic readers, which are quite different. One of my favorite parts of this is when you talk about how learning is endless.
I think you really do a great job in explaining how electronic readers can benefit education and expand it far beyond the binding limits of a textbook. We can learn unfathomable amounts of information if only we have a chance too.
One thing I would say about your introduction is maybe include a random fact that everyone would be amazed with. I feel like your introduction just talks about what you could do after having them, you do not really say how it could affect us teenagers at this very moment in time.
I am excited for your paper. I also like that you picked a topic that is so involved with this school. It just was a big deal a couple of years ago and this could help inform their decision in getting them. Good luck!
Ryan,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your introduction. I felt it started out broad, yet strong. I liked how you only dove into the violence concept of video games in your second paragraph. It allowed me as a reader to get a better understanding of your paper from a general perspective, and then move into the details. I liked how you showed the negative side of the violence, and then in your third paragraph went into proving you thesis. Overall, I thought it was very well done.
If I could make some, perhaps, helpful corrections I would begin with your second sentence.
“Pleasure is welcomed while discomfort more than often denied.” I felt as though this sentence did not flow very well. Your topic sentence is very strong, but here I felt this was a little weak. For some reason, and maybe it’s just me, I stumbled. I think a way to correct it would be to say
“Please is welcome while discomfort IS more than often denied.
I am very stunned by the vocabulary in your introduction. I felt as though it was very advanced, and sounded especially professional. I think your paper will definitely be expanded well with the way you started off. This was strong, and I am suggesting that you keep this pattern going throughout the rest of your paper. A strong paper will ensure the readers to agree or be persuaded to your thesis. Also, -on a side note- I felt as though your thesis was VERY well done.
Good luck!
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ReplyDeleteTaylor, you have a wonderful introduction. I thoroughly enjoyed it! It really flows and you intrigue your audience very well. I think that they way you start each of your paragraphs is very clever. Even though when you blogged your introduction went into one paragraph I could tell exactly where one started and ended. There are only a few suggestions that I have for you. The sentence
ReplyDelete“The college level is then where one starts to specialize their learning on one to several topics” is confusing. You may consider re-wording this sentence. In the following sentence “But one never stops learning” I suggest changing it to “However one never stops learning”. Then where you wrote “the thousands of application and books” it should be “the thousands of applications and books”. “These new results build even more on the knowledge that has been taught to one from textbooks”; I also found this sentence confusing. In the sentence containing “These students who receive the highest jobs and position” you need to change it to “These students who receive the highest jobs and positions”. Lastly the first sentence of each paragraph may sound better if you write “are all characteristics of” instead of “all characteristics of”. Other than those few grammatical mistakes your introduction is very good. I really like the content, it is very strong. I do not have any suggestions for the content. Good luck on the rest of the paper, I hope that your creative juices keep flowing!
Here it is:
ReplyDeleteA concern for safety starts when one is young and never ends. Always looking both ways before crossing the street and holding hands while doing so were two main safety rules that most learned at a young age. Safety is the parents job when we are young, but when older this responsibility changes. When one is in school it is the teachers’ and administration’s duty to keep one safe. If one is elderly then it is the responsibility of one’s friends and family to keep one safe. There are many people who partake in more dangerous tasks than school children and the elderly on a daily basis. Extra precaution needs to be taken with these people that are at higher risk for accidents. Athletes, for example, have a job that can be extremely dangerous.
All athletes put their safety on the line practically every day. Athletes are running, jumping, hitting, catching, skating, kicking, throwing, and training constantly. Partaking in these types of activities day in and day out can cause problems. Professional sports’ athletes are probably most recognizable, but they are not the only ones. There are non-professional sports as well. Non-professional sports’ athletes are just as much at risk as professional sports’ athletes for safety problems, if not more. As a matter of fact, “the average college football player sustains a breathtaking 950 to 1,100 subconcussive blows per season” (Kluger, 2011, p.44). This is a startling statistic. Athletes obviously require more attention than others especially when it comes to concussions. Concussions are prevalent in the majority of sports, yet there are only a few people that are concerned with them. They can create serious health problems that most are unaware of. All sports organizations, professional and non-professional, should take more precaution with concussions, since they are now linked to symptoms similar to Lou Gehrig’s disease.
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ReplyDeleteMorgan,
ReplyDeleteFirst off I would like to say thank you very much for your comments on my blog. They are very helpful and in-depth. Now back to your blog. You introduction is very informative. I really enjoy all the facts and information that you have in the introduction. The statistics that you have in it is extremely interesting I cannot believe the risk is that high. However I do how ever has some suggestions. Your introduction opens with, “A concern for safety starts when one is young and never ends. Always looking both ways before crossing the street and holding hands while doing so were two main safety rules that most learned at a young age.” They are two good sentence, but I feel like if you reverse them that it would be so much more of an attention getter. Like so, “Always looking both ways before crossing the street and holding hands while doing so were two main safety rules that most learned at a young age. A concern for safety starts when one is young and never ends.” Also should this sentence, “Safety is the parents job when we are young, but when older this responsibility changes.” have another we after when and before older. I feel like it would flow much better. Other than those two little changes that you can contemplate I think that you have a very good start to you paper. Best of luck on the rest of your paper.
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ReplyDeleteMorgan,
ReplyDeleteI thought that your introduction flowed together really well. It started out general and you put your point across very well. One change that might improve the flow of your introduction is in the two sentences that say “When one is in school it is the teachers’ and administration’s duty to keep one safe. If one is elderly then it is the responsibility of one’s friends and family to keep one safe” I feel like the sentences start very similarly and it wouldn’t sound so repetitious if the words in the second sentence were arranged such as “Later in life, elderly people have their friends and family to ensure their safety.” One more thing I notice was this sentence; “Athletes obviously require more attention than others especially when it comes to concussions.” I think it would be a little clearer if you said, “Athletes obviously require more attention than the average person, especially when it comes to concussions.” Changing the word “others” makes the sentence more specific. Other than that I think you have a great start to your paper!
Hundreds of miles underneath the Northeastern United States lay hard, dark shale just waiting to be converted into money. How does shale magically turn into money? Well, this shale contains high levels of methane gas which can be converted into commercial quantities of natural gas and oil. In past decades, many have attempted to retrieve natural gas from this Devonian Aged shale known as Marcellus Shale, but without prevail. In 2008 a so called “gas boom” exploded in much of the Northeastern United States including states such as New York, West Virginia, and Pennsylvania with triumphant attempts at retrieving this natural gas in many different procedures such as drillings. Since the natural gas discoveries, Pennsylvania’s extraction of gas from the Marcellus Shale has resulted in an economical explosion for Pennsylvania’s commonwealth and is benefiting and effecting individual communities all across Pennsylvania.
ReplyDeleteThe Marcellus Shale was formed around three hundred and ninety years ago during the Devonian Period in the Appalachian Basin, which is now known as the Northeastern United States. The Marcellus Shale formations are made up of sedimentary rock, which is composed of organic material, clay, and small silt sized particles. The shale was formed when sediment was dropped into deep waters and mixed with organic materials such as organisms and leaves. This organic mixture is then compacted to form shale (Arthur, Bohm, & Layne, 2008). Due to this decomposing and compression of organic materials shale has fuel abundance in a black, highly organic rock (Lee, Herman, Elsworth, Kim, & Lee, 2011). These decomposed and condensed organisms give off carbon, which can be transferred into methane gas and crude oil (Sumi, 2008) and used for Pennsylvania’s benefit.
The Marcellus Shale natural gas extraction is exceedingly beneficial to many areas of Pennsylvania’s Commonwealth such as employment, individual companies, manufacturing, and individual income. The natural gas and crude oil extracted from Marcellus Shale are not the only beneficiaries resulting from the drilling, as the shale requires examination, drilling, leasing of land, and construction prior to the actually drilling. Due to the pre procedures required in the drilling, many employment opportunities have become obtainable for all areas of service from construction companies, to health care organizations, to hotel and food services. Due to the necessity of increased employment individual companies are benefiting, therefore individual incomes are being indirectly affected. The Marcellus Shale drilling is also breaking our dependence on foreign natural gas and oil, saving Pennsylvania money and saving the world from fuel depletion.
Due to the extraction of natural gas from shale being a relatively new procedure, many unfavorable affects are occurring on the environment such as oil spills, land clearing, and chemical contamination. There are numerous laws that are being enforced to drilling companies that reduce the ill effects that drilling and synthetically fracturing shale have on the environment to help the economical effects sky rocket. Even though there are many environmental repercussions from Marcellus Shale drilling in Pennsylvania, if done in an environmentally friendly way drilling and fracturing boosts the economy while allowing an alternative fuel that saves complete fuel depletion.
Kristen,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that I think it is great that your research topic relates to what you want to do after high school. I think you started off your introduction very well by describing the Marcellus Shale. With the adjectives you used in your description you can almost picture it in your mind, but you don’t know what it is that you are picturing yet. Following that sentence with the question “How does shale magically turn into money?” intensifies this effect. It really makes you want to continue reading to find out what this magnificent, money-making shale actually is. I think you did an excellent job of explain what Marcellus Shale is in your introduction as well. I had a pretty good idea about what it was because we learned about it in Envirothon the past two years, and I honestly think I learned more about it just in your introduction than I did in Environthon. I did find a few grammatical mistakes, though. In the first sentence in the second paragraph (“The Marcellus Shale was formed around three hundred and ninety years ago..”),“three hundred and ninety” should be “three hundred ninety.” Also, in the first sentence in the last paragraph (“Due to the extraction of natural gas from shale being a relatively new procedure, many unfavorable affects are occurring on the environment such as oil spills...”), “affects” should be “effects” because it’s being used as a noun, not a verb. Also in that paragraph the sentence “There are numerous laws that are being enforced to drilling companies that reduce the ill effects that drilling and synthetically fracturing shale have on the environment to help the economical effects sky rocket.” I believe “economical” should be “economic,” but I’m not positive on that one. I also noticed that you use the word “which” a lot in the second paragraph. You might want to rephrase some of your sentences so you don’t use it as much. It might flow better. Other than that, I think your introduction is very well written.
Laurel,
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for the feedback. It helped very much!
Kristin,
ReplyDeleteDo you want the good or bad new first? Well I’ll get the bad out of the way. I found your introduction to be very wordy and scientific. At some points, it almost seemed over complicated. To me, and the reader, who knows little to none about this process, the reading is too complex. You could possibly “introduce” your information in more simple terms. Eventually, as the paper goes on you can get somewhat intricate. Remember to start off broad then get more specific. The upside down triangle is the best way to think about it. Also, the details in paragraphs 2 and 3 seem so specific that there could be little to write about in the body paragraph. The introduction is setting the stage for what is to come, not attacking the reader with scientific statistics. I guess I felt a little intimidated with your introduction. This intimidation is not to be taken lightly. Usually when I’m reading something and get this feeling I feel more provoked to stop reading. This would be a tragedy in the case of the writer.
Finally, here is the good! Your work will surely be informative if done in a proper manner. I have confidence in your skill to accomplish this. If you continue to give your opinion with expert backup then you are well on your way to success. As the paper goes on, you certainly want to give the statistics. Being a paper affiliated about the environment, it may be a good idea to frighten the reader. By this, I mean give out starting facts to support your thesis. Give the reader something to remember about your paper. This may prompt them to action or concern. Personally, if that was accomplished then the paper was a success, regardless of the grade. Carry on and if you ever need some advice, I’m available. The best of luck is sent to you.
Ryan,
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for your feedback. Its very helpful to hear from someone that does not know anything about Marcellus Shale. I will most certainly take your criticisms into consideration. I tried to simplify it as much as possible, but being a scientific paper, it can be very hard to simplify, I then do not want to over simplify. And about the statistics I have a lot of statistics in my paper. Do you think that I should include at least one of those in my introduction to engage the reader??
In the middle of the night a person hears a loud crashing noise. Somebody has broken down the door. Will the police get to the scene on time if 911 is dialed? What if the burglar wants to kill the person within the house? Is the burglar armed? These are some of the questions that would run through one’s mind if they were in a similar situation. It is obvious that the person is in danger and the police may not be able to help in time. The person needs to get out of the house or stand and defend themselves. This is a simple example of a fight or flight situation. The person may be cornered by the burglar and not be able to escape. The person must be on the defensive side if they are cornered. It makes one wonder why and who would do such a horrid thing as kill another! The world is not full of only good people because evil people are in every town and city but nobody knows what they may do. A criminal could enter just about any house if they choose to. One can lock the doors and windows but if a criminal really wants in, they will get in. In some cases a person may be in the locked up house. The United States of America has more firearms than any other country in the world. Many people believe that America has too many firearms and that these guns are causing crime many deaths. The topic of gun control is a huge debate currently going on in our society. The majority of the supporters for gun control are government officials and politicians. These supporters have probably never fired a gun in their life. These people want to rid the states of gun usage because a fear lingers within them and they only believe that guns kill people. These popular politicians and government officials have something that the average person does not have. They have an extra layer of protection, not just locks on windows and doors. Extra protection can mean a higher security building or even body guards. The body guards are carrying firearms to protect these politicians and government officials but yet these people want do get rid of firearms. A firearm is a useful tool that could be used in a self defense situation. The United States government should not have regulations on firearms because it violates the second amendment, takes away self protection, and causes an increase in crime rates.
ReplyDeleteIntroduction
ReplyDeleteOver the past forty years, America has developed into one of the fattest nations in the world. As the number of fast food restaurants in America has increased, so has the amount of American adults and children that are considered obese (National Bureau of Economic Research, November 14, 2011). More and more children in the U.S. have become obese, so much so that in 2006 “nearly one out of five American children” were obese (Phillips, August 2006). Everywhere in the United States there are now obese and overweight people, both young and old. Obesity has spread like a wildfire across the nation, just as the number of fast food restaurants has increased. Since the 1970’s, the number of fast food restaurants has increased by more than 1000% (Healthy Eating Guide, 2011). There is obviously a direct correlation between the increase in fast food restaurants and the increase in obesity in America. Gone are the days when each and every family in America sat down for a delicious home cooked dinner every day; replaced by the always busy, average American family that is too busy rushing around from place to place, activity to activity, to sit down as a family to have a nice, healthy dinner at home. Instead, many Americans go to the most convenient places to acquire their meals: fast food restaurants. So more and more of the food that is a part of the average American’s diet is becoming fast food. “In 2007, 37.4% of food eaten away from home was purchased from limited-service restaurants, such as fast food outlets.” (Moore, May 2009, p. 1). That number is constantly rising as more and more Americans become obese and continue to eat greater amounts of fast food. Fast food restaurants are known for their speedy drive thru window lines, fairly low prices, and otherwise fast food service. However, unlike many home cooked meals, fast food restaurants’ foods are for the most part very unhealthy. They serve food that is packed with grease, calories, fat, and sodium. Many fast food meals are so unhealthy that just one meal contains the total amount of fat and calories that, according to health professionals, some people such as children should consume in an entire day. However, fast food restaurants do not have any signs or such warnings that their foods are so unhealthy so many people unknowingly dig into their Big Macs or bean burritos with no knowledge of the possible consequences. Those consequences include becoming first overweight then becoming obese. From there, obesity can contribute and/or lead to heart disease, asthma, and even cancers. Now, there are some people that would say that just because the fast food restaurants are there and their food is unhealthy does not necessarily mean they are to blame for the obesity epidemic that has struck the nation. However, there is evidence that says otherwise, evidence that supports the stance of placing the blame on the fast food industry. Even though many people blame obesity on the individual American’s lack of self-control, the fast food industry is to blame because of their unhealthy food choices along with insufficient warning that it is a health hazard.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteScott,
ReplyDeleteI think you have a very interesting topic that effects almost every American. I personally am not a fan of fast food, but I know many people who love it and eat it weekly. That being said, I also think your introduction is very well written and flows very easily. I do think, however, that you could have utilized the upside down triangle that Dr. Pam told us about a little better. (start out broad and continue to narrow until your thesis) I think that you may have jumped right into your main topics too quickly, so I would consider revising your first few sentences by adding more broad information. I love how you incorporated statistics in the very first sentences of your paper because it instantly engaged me. I dont know how I feel about your first sentence of "Over the past forty years, America has developed into one of the fattest nations in the world" I think you could reword that or at least substitute fattest with heaviest or something a less severe than fattest, personal feeling of course.
"Many fast food meals are so unhealthy that just one meal contains the total amount of fat and calories that, according to health professionals, some people such as children should consume in an entire day." I think that is a little wordy. I may suggest breaking this idea into two sentences or rearranging the ideas.
"However, there is evidence that says otherwise, evidence that supports the stance of placing the blame on the fast food industry. "
I believe that evidence is used too many times. I think it might flow better if it were to say "However, there is evidence that says otherwise, many support the stance of placing the blame on the fast food industry" or something to that extent.
I think you have a great topic, and a great paper ahead of you. (I also love the wording of your thesis) I can't wait to find out more statistics and read your final paper. Hope this helped. Good luck!
Elizabeth,
ReplyDeleteYour topic is one of great interest to me, for I and my family and friends are all gun owners and users. I am in agreement with your stance on the issue of gun rights. I strongly believe that every American citizen has the right to own weapons and if and when necessary use them to protect themself and/or their family from harm as well as use them for recreational activities such as hunting. As you stated in your introduction it is our right as granted to us by the Constitution to own firearms so it is completely against the code of law set down by our founding fathers to try to take away that right.
I found a few things that I think your introduction would benefit from if you change them. The main one that stuck out to me was that you used the words/phrase “the person” five times all within a few sentences. I feel like that is a little too repetitive, so I would suggest changing a few of the times that you used that phrase to something like “the victim” or some other such phrase. I also was a little confused by one of your sentences towards the bottom of your introduction: “These people want to rid the states of gun usage because a fear lingers within them and they only believe that guns kill people.” I am puzzled because I am not really sure of what “fear” you are referring to here. Perhaps you might want to reword this sentence and explain a little more just what the “fear” is.
I hope this helps with your introduction and good luck on the rest of your paper.
Kristin,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your compliments and ideas for revisions which I actually agree with pretty much completely. I am going to use your ideas and incorporate them into my introduction, making it much better in my opinion.
Thanks again and good luck on your own paper which I think will be quite interesting because of the fact that your topic of Marcellus Shale is something that really affects everyone in this area.
Elizabeth,
ReplyDeleteYour introduction was very descriptive, and grabbed my attention right away. The scene of the burglary was vividly pictured, and the whole thing flowed very well. I only saw a few places that needed different words, and that was it. In your second sentence, change “Somebody” to “someone” or maybe say “The door has been broken down.” The sentence “The world is not full…” is a run on, so maybe try to add some commas or semicolons to break it up. At the sentence “The United States has more…” you could probably make a new paragraph, as it jumps to a new subject. The next sentence I think you forgot an “and” in between “crime” and “many deaths”. In the sentence “The body guards are carrying…” I think you meant “to” instead of “do”. Those typos!
Overall, great job! I liked your use of “fight or flight” and the idea that government officials and politicians are protected by firearms, but want to rid our country of them. This is a very useful idea to develop in your paper, as it presents a very legitimate contradiction.
Good job and good luck!
Scott,
ReplyDeleteYour introduction was very well written, and very professional. Your attention getter interested me, and I was very surprised at your startling statistics. Everything was well explained, and easily understood.
I did notice that you used the phrase “more and more” three times, and though they were spaced out, make sure it is not used too many times in your paper. The only other place I wanted to mention was in the sentence “Many fast food meals are so unhealthy…” the phrase “some people such as children” could probably be changed to “certain people” or even just put a comma after “people”.
Sorry Kristin, but I like the word “fattest” in the first sentence, as it is severe. Obesity is a very serious problem, and many plans have been tried to fix it with no avail. America needs a wakeup call on obesity, and the more severe the better.
Scott, I think that you will do very well with this paper, and good luck!
S, Smith once said, " The real object of education is to give one resources that will endure as long as life endures; habits that time will not destroy; occupations that will render sickness tolerable, solitude pleasant, age venerable, life more dignified and useful, and death less terrible." Education is an important part of an individuals life. If it wasn't so important than it would not be mandatory that an individual attend some type of schooling whether its in the class room, cyber school, or even a home type of schooling. Everyone needs education because of the world that we now live in, society is constantly challenging us."Now more than ever, American Society needs educated people from all cultures and backgrounds to keep democracy alive and well(Schneider & Kalb, p 120). College is vital to the education process but what exactly is college? A place someone goes just because everyone else is going? A place to meet new people and party? A place where parents make someone go? College is more than just another part of education. Its not just something that an individual just needs to complete so that they can achieve their dreams. College is a learning process where the individual is shaped into the adult that they are going to be. College is not just about the education but it gives the individual skills that were required and skills that they will use for the rest of their lives.
ReplyDeleteThe decision of whether or not to attend college is one of the most difficult and important decisions of an individual's life. Whether or not to attend college is going to have an impact on a person's life in one way or another. It is just as big of a decision as buying a house or getting married. College can allow an individual to live the life that they desire. It will enable the individual to be successful and make earning substantial amount of income easier. In todays society without a higher degree than a high school diploma is getting more difficult to find good paying jobs. " According to the 2,000 U.S. Census, Department of Commerce, people with a bachelor's degree earn considerable more money each year than people without the degree ( Sherfield, Montgomery, & Moody. 2005, p9). Even though the cost of a college education is high; the benefits of the experience are not only rewarding financially but help create diverse individuals.
Laira:
ReplyDeleteI liked your Introduction. I believe that you made some really good points about college being almost mandatory in today’s world. I do have a few comments on your introduction though. First, I am not sure if you should start out the whole research paper with a quote. The quote needs a page number after it because it is a direct quote form the source. Also your last sentence in the first paragraph looks like a run on, you could possibly turn that into 2 sentences. Lastly your post citing when you have page numbers you have p9 and it should be p. 9. Other than that you have an interesting topic. I wish you luck and hope to read more on it as your work further.
Laira,
ReplyDeleteI think your topic is very interesting especially because college is something all of us need to start to really think about as juniors. In you introduction, you made a lot of very good points about your topic such as how important a college education can be in today’s world. However, the quote you started with didn’t really grasp my attention. You might want to start it out with something about education that will make the reader think about what education means to them and intrigue them to continue reading the fascinating paper about the importance of education they’re holding in their hands. Do you know what I mean? Whenever I write the first sentence of my papers I always think back to a book that I had to read in sixth grade five years ago. I couldn’t tell you what the title of the book was, but I remember the first sentence was “My sweat smells like peanut butter.” Obviously, that’s something that makes you keep reading because you want to know why in the world that is. Try to come up with something with that effect. I also found that you overused the world “individual.” You might want to come up with some different words to use. Other than that, I think you’re off to a great start!
How many people have had the chicken pox? Nemours said that once three million people had the chicken pox every year (Kids Health, 2011). How many people have been vaccinated for the chicken pox? A large majority of Americans could say yes. The number of people who have been sick with the chicken pox or the varicella zoster has dramatically deceased due to the creation and availability of the vaccine. The vaccination was either given to the adults who were never vaccinated as children or the children who were just about one year old. Likewise a lot of other diseases such as the measles, mumps, polio and many more have also seen promising results after the vaccination. Vaccinations have more than proved themselves to be a medical advancement that has helped millions of people. So if vaccinations are such a great help in medicine, why are some people not being vaccinated? Many people even chose not to vaccinate their own children. Throughout the years suspicion has been raised over the side effects of vaccinations. The largest possible side effect especially is that vaccinations cause autism. Despite how many studies have been done “the causes of autism are unknown (Myers, Pinder, 2008). Autism is a very unfortunate disorder for which no one can be compensated. The primary reason for the concern of the connection between the two is that vaccinations became to be a very widespread preventative medical advancement around the same time that scientists actually discovered what autism was and what it entailed. They also proved that autism has been around for centuries before the theory of immunization was even thought of. The idea that vaccinations cause autism is a pure coincidence along with that the number of cases of autism has been increasing since vaccinations have become more prevalent (Myers, et al, 2008). The number of autism cases is irrelevant to vaccines. There have been no conclusive studies or results that can prove that vaccinations are related to autism. Without any real proof, the relationship between the two is as much of a myth as the Lock Ness monster. Vaccinations should not be stopped until there is solid proof of negative effects. Vaccinations have helped many people stay healthy and will continue to. The benefits of vaccinations outweigh the risks associated with autism in children.
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ReplyDeleteI'm commenting on Laura's
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ReplyDeleteLaura, your topic is very interesting. I did notice that in your fifth sentence you wrote “deceased” I think you were meaning to say ‘decreased’. Also, your sentence, “The largest possible side effect especially is that vaccinations cause autism.” seems a little awkward in the wording. Try playing around with punctuation some and see what feels right. Then in, “The primary reason for the concern of the connection between the two is that vaccinations became to be…” I think you meant ‘came to be’ not “became”. Finally, in your last three sentences you use the word “vaccinations” in each. I feel that you should replace one of them (preferably the second) with another word such as ‘shots’, ‘immunizations’, or even ‘they’. Good luck, Laura!
ReplyDeleteLaura: I think you have a very interesting topic. I feel that there is not really a connection because vaccinations are just exposure to the virus, similar to getting the virus. Both will cause immunity. I do not really see anything wrong with your introduction accept one of your citations may be incorrect. You have et al, and the date; I think it is et al. (period then date). The first couple sentences are goofy. The sentence with “how many people…” is answered by a sentence that does not really answer it. I do not understand why you said “could say yes” I think that “a large majority of Americans” would answer it. I feel that you give really good background on the subject before going into it. I liked your comparison to the Lock Ness Monster.
ReplyDeleteThank you Maura and Elizabeth, both helped a ton!
ReplyDeleteIntroduction
ReplyDeleteWhat exactly is family? Family is a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for. Family can include aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, moms, dads and even grandparents. In many families, the members consider their pets to be a part of their “social unit”. In a family, the members take care of each other. In a proper, stable family each person does whatever it takes to keep the other members safe from harm along with already taking care of each other. Taking care of everyone in a family includes pets. If they are part of the family, they deserve as much respect and care as a human child or an adult. While these pets are being pampered and taken care of in a positive, healthy way, why is it that there are animals every day that are being tortured with injections, ointments, cosmetics, and other substances? Many of which these products kill their recipient. These products are tested through experimentation. Students in high school and college partake in experiments. They mix chemicals in chemistry, test water samples in biology, and every day students propose questions that can lead up to experiments. It is also many peoples adult job to perform experiments and gather data. Most of these experiments, if done properly, are harmless. Possibly a chemical can mix wrong and give someone a burn on their hand or if someone is experimenting with food and they may get a stomach ache from a bad combination. Most likely a failed expirament is o accidental, and do not hurt anyone severely. When animals are tested on however they become intentionally hurt or even killed. Innocent animals are killed when a failed antibiotic corrupts their immune system and causes death or when they are burned they receive permanent scarring due to a failed chemical reaction that does not compute with the skin of certain species. When an expirament is done, more than one trial is done, meaning that when a test is performed on a primate or a rodent, and it fails, more than one primate or rodent is hurt or killed. Most of the time up to hundreds and even thousands are maimed, because scientists failed to predict the way the product would work. Animal testing can truly be messy. And with all of the animals used, it can also become costly. And it being messy and costly may only be one small issue, but with the development of science, both of these issues can be corrected, so why would can they not be fixed? These are minor issues. Because the genetic make up every species on earth is so different, nothing can be for sure until a product is tested on humans. Although animal testing is easy and practical, it unnecessarily harms defenseless animals for costly, ineffective experimentation.
My Introduction
ReplyDeleteImagine a world free from the fear of heart attacks, and free from the dangers of multiple forms of cancer. It would be difficult to find a family living in America that hasn’t felt the effects of cancer or strokes. Now, it would also be difficult to find a person who has not been in an argument dealing with the termination of a pre-born life, or an embryo. This issue is the major problem tied to stem cell research. Stem cell research dealing with a human embryo involves extracting cells from inside of the living embryo. This process almost inevitably terminates any further growth from the embryo, and is considered to be dead. Most firm believing Catholics will say that life is continuous cycle, and that starting with conception the embryo should be in fact deemed a living person just as much as a newborn child is. So, if this stem cell research is so controversial scientist should just leave it alone and find a new topic to study, right? Well it’s not that easy, because this touchy research can stop all of the fear and suffering mentioned above. This science that is looked down on so strongly could very well put an end to deaths cause by any number of diseases. For this fairly new form of research the possibilities are endless, and with further knowledge on how to properly use stem cells scientist could completely change the way we look at human health. This paper will not, in any way, condone the termination of an embryo for science, abortion, or any other reason. Rather, this paper will examine the ways that stem cells can be obtained while avoiding moral conflict as much as possible to put this progressive science in a better light. Many people will object to stem cell research before they understand all the ways the process can be done without directly destroying an embryo. Over the years scientist have been working on ways to perform stem cell research in less controversial ways and there are many that seem to be legitimate even in the eyes of strong Catholics. Cures for diseases such as cancer need to be found, and stem cell research could be one of the big breakthroughs that lead us toward that cure. Scientist have no idea how this research could grow and how can be learned from it, and they will never know if they are not given the opportunity to experiment using morally correct procedures. Contrary to the belief that stem cell research is a cruel embryo destroying science, the process of working with an embryo is absolutely necessary because it has the potential to save millions of lives, while ending the suffering of thousands.
I'm commenting on Abby's.
ReplyDeleteI am commenting on Abby's.
ReplyDeleteThe rush of sprinting through the water at top speed−muscles tightening, breath quickening, heart pounding ready to burst from its boney prison, the smell of chlorine enveloping one’s nostrils−is indescribable. It is the exhilaration swimmers encounter every day and love. Swimming is a motivating sport, great pass time, and lifesaving skill. This sport requires little equipment: pool, timing system, swim caps, goggles, and suits. With these few tools the sport is slow to technological advancements. However, changes are still made with these small adjustments. Only in recent years is swimming entering its high-tech stage of development. In the 2008 Olympics, located in Beijing, China, swimming became fully submerged in the world of science. China introduced wave reduction pools, highly accurate timing systems, and the LZR Racer. The LZR Racer was worn by most of the athletes present, and the most world records were broken that year than in any other. This event is developing a reputation in swimming that it only takes a good suit to be a professional, and not the years of training and dedication it does require.
ReplyDeleteThe LZR Racer is one of the most recognizable specimens of a sharkskin suit. Sharkskin suits are patterned after sharks’ scales. This science of studying life and applying its natural concepts to aid in human dilemmas is biomimicry. Janine M. Benyus refers to biomimicry as, “the conscious emulation of life’s genius” (Benyus, 1997). Many, however, refuse to see the genius in these suits. The LZR Racer has been banned from official swim competitions along with other suits of similar design. Swim enthusiasts are concerned that the prior race times will be easily beaten by these suits. Yet, they refuse to see that the suit only aids in specific factors of the race and makes minor difference to the time. Unfortunately, these facts are of inconsequential importance to the many who only think about the one enjoyable race versus the struggle to arise at this level of competition. The suits are labeled as ‘unfair’ and ‘cheating’. In opposition, one man has beaten a world record he had previously set when wearing the LZR Racer. The suit was officially banned at the beginning of 2010. He broke the ‘indestructible’ record this past summer without the support of his sharkskin suit. Despite claims that sharkskin suits will shatter previous records to unbreakable times, they should be legal; it is the athlete, not the suit that earns the records.
I'm commenting on Mitchell's
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ReplyDeleteAbby,
ReplyDeleteI think that the beginning of your introduction is fantastic! I really liked your idea and it got my attention. You so have a few small mistakes. When you talked about students doing experiments in school I got slightly confused but after I continued reading I understood your point. Maybe some new wording would help that. Also this sentence, It is also many peoples adult job to perform experiments and gather data” has some grammar issue, I think, you might want to double check that. You also had a few typos ‘expirament is o accidental” experiment is an accident I think is what you’re saying. Experiment is spelled wrong a few other times, but you are definitely off to a good start!
I am commenting on Maura's.
ReplyDeletedibs on abby's
ReplyDeleteWhat is your favorite song? There are dozens of types of music, including pop, rock ’n’ roll, country, jazz, rap, and classical, just to name a few. There are millions of songs, each different in its own way. Most people listen to music almost every day, sometimes twice and three times. Music is all around us, and is deeply ingrained in every culture of the world. Music brings people together, and gives them a sense of community. It allows them to interact with each other, whether by writing it, singing it, dancing to it, or just quietly listening to it, music gives people something to relate to others. Being a social is a very important characteristic of our society, and music gives people a chance to do so (Machover & Uszler, 1996, p. 75). Even our own government has a national anthem, not just because someone liked the melody, but to unite the people of the nation into one, and not to be sectionalized. Music has so many other benefits also, especially when playing it. A person who learns to play music can perform for others, or just himself. He can express himself in a productive way, learning that he can accomplish something. After playing for a while, a musician can look back on all time that he spent practicing, and see how far he has come in his musical career (Machover & Uszler, 1996, p. 76).
ReplyDeleteMusic can teach many, many other virtues also. Especially when taught in childhood, music can influence a child in many areas of his life. For instance, music is related to math and science. Counting the beats of the musical piece lets a child experience math outside the classroom. The student can associate music with math, and understand the latter better (Hallam, 2010). Both science and math require complete knowledge of patterns, recognizing them and continuing them. Music is all patterns, and a musician must be able to quickly recognize them in order to play. Learning these patterns can also teach a child to see them in language. Studying a second language is hard enough, and harder still if one cannot recognize the patterns of the language. Many studies have been conducted, and positive relationships have been found between music and language scores (Hallam, 2010). In addition to this, patterns are used in literature too. A reader must perceive what is happening in the story or poem they are reading, and be able to guess what will occur next.
Even in addition to all of this, music “…can induce cortical reorganization” (Hallam, 2010) which means that the brain thinks and perceives information differently. A child has a greater memory capacity, and is able to memorize easier and at greater speeds.
Mitchell,
ReplyDeleteI find your topic to be very interesting Mitchell in that it is about such a controversial issue. I agree with you in that almost every family in America these days has been affected by some terrible disease such as cancer. I also agree that most people if anything could be done to save the life of someone they love they would do it, even if it is something related to something as controversial as stem cell research. As a Catholic I do however, believe it is wrong to abort an unborn child. But is it not possible to retrieve stem cells from other parts of the human body other than just unborn fetuses?
With your introduction I thought it was very well written, with a very non-standoffish attitude when speaking about the very sensitive issue of stem cell research which I think is good because otherwise you might incite anger in some readers. I did find some slight grammatical errors here and there such as not making the word “scientist” plural when it needs to be.
I also liked the question you posed to the reader in the middle of your introduction: “So, if this stem cell research is so controversial scientist should just leave it alone and find a new topic to study, right?” I think that this is a great way to bring the reader into your paper more.
Good luck on your paper, I hope this helps you out.
Maura,
ReplyDeleteYour first sentence made me want to take up swimming, I can tell you are very passionate about your paper and that will hopefully aid you in writing it. Unfortunately, you lost me, after the first paragraph. While I do not see any grammar or spelling mistakes, I found myself being lead to the conclusion that you were persuading me to believe that you opinion was that shark skin suits should be illegal, which would then disagree with your thesis. I think I was confused when you talked about the amount of practice and dedication that makes the player not the suit. Hope I helped, best of luck!
Dearest Maura,
ReplyDeleteI absolutely adore your first couple sentences! That was perfect, I don't think I could of came up with anything close to that. You followed exactly what Dr. Pam said about starting broad and general and then eventually narrowing it down. You have achieved excelence! I think that you could describe the LZR Racer a little more and maybe what it stands for? Your off to a great start and the best of luck to you!
Dearest Mitchell,
You have a very interesting topic that is sort of contriversal. I personally don't like how you said "Rather, this paper will examine." I fell that you were never suppose to say stuff like that such as My paper will be about. You know what I mean? Other than that I think you have a wonderful introduction. I also love how you stated that a lot of people don't really know what it entails which is true and I'm one of them. I look foward to reading your paper. Best of Luck!
Linnea,
ReplyDeleteThis is the first time I have read anything about your topic. Prior to me reading your introduction, I had no idea what yours was about. This makes me like any other reader. Your supporting points were strong to your argument. There is one minor issue. I struggled to determine your argument and your thesis. I was left guessing throughout the introduction. I’m still not entirely sure what the point of your paper is. Granted, I am one man’s opinion. Other than specifying your thesis, your introduction is grand! I enjoyed the fact that it started me off thinking about music and its relation to me then it drew me into what you’re trying to get across. So all in all, try to get your point across more clearly and you’ll be golden. I wish you the best of luck in writing your remaining nine pages.
Abby, wow. I didn’t know what your topic was so this was almost like reading the beginning of your paper for me. You did a great job filtering down to your main point. However, I noticed some issues in word order. “Many of which these products kill their recipient.” I think you should get rid of the word “which” in this sentence or rearrange the sentence to, ‘Many products of which end up killing their recipients.’ Then in the sentence, “Students in high school and college partake in experiments.” Try reading the passage with it saying “…partake in ‘these’ experiments.” Personally, it makes the sentence flow a little better to me. Also, “It is also many peoples adult job to perform experiments and gather data.” “Peoples” (people’s) is wrong, and “adult job” sounds a bit childish. Try ‘It is also many people’s [occupation or profession] to preform….” “Possibly a chemical…,” play with punctuation, (example) “Possibly, a chemical can mix wrong and give someone a burn on their hand; if someone is experimenting with food, they may get a stomach ache from a bad combination.” In, “Most likely a failed expirament is o accidental, and do not hurt anyone severely.” “expirament” is spelled experiment, and I do not understand “o accidental”. “Innocent animals are killed…” after “death” add a comma. “And it being messy and costly may only be one small issue, but with the development of science, both of these issues can be corrected, so why would can they not be fixed?” Never start a sentence with “and”, “but”, or “because”. This seems a little long. Maybe before you last question “…so why would...” change the comma to a period, and delete the word “can”. I don’t think you meant to type that. Finally, “These are minor issues. Because the genetic make up every species on earth is so different, nothing can be for sure until a product is tested on humans.” After the word “issues”, change period to a comma, and the ‘B’ in “Because” to a ‘b’. “Make up” should be ‘make-up’ and in-between ‘make-up’ and “every species” add ‘of’. These are all the corrections I can see, good luck with your paper, I hope I can hear about the rest of it.
ReplyDeleteAbby,
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading your introduction I really enjoyed how I could feel your passion for what you were writing about. It is very clear how strongly you oppose this testing on animals and that makes reading your paper more exciting for the reader. With that being said I think you can use your feelings along with your research to create a very good paper! Though, as with any paper, I think you have a few changes that can be made to make your introduction even better! As Laura said in your first comment, I too was confused when you started talking about high school students performing experiments in school. I think this strayed a little far from your main idea and you lost me a little bit, if you tie this in a little better your intro will be greatly improved. Also the sentence, "Many of which these products kill their recipient." I think could be changed to, "Many of which kill their recipient." This small change would make for a little bit of a better flow I think. Overall I think you are off to a great start!
I'm commenting on linnea's!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Laira, the "dearest" opening is cute. LZR doesn't stand for anything, it's pronounced lazer, like they are fast as a lazer (LZR). I was going to include that in the abstract.
ReplyDeleteLInnea
ReplyDeleteI am truly intrigued by your topic. It is very fascinating, and your introduction was very well written. You really grasped the concept of a broad topic, such as music, and narrowing it down to your main point. There was very little I found wrong with your introduction. In your sentence “There are dozens of types of music, including pop, rock ’n’ roll, country, jazz, rap, and classical, just to name a few.” I would rephrase this sentence to something along the lines of “ There are dozens of types of music, some of which include: pop, rock, ect”. Also, in your sentence “A person who learns to play music can perform for others, or just himself” I would change this idea into two different sentences. Possibly like “ A person who learns to play music can perform for others. They can also simply play for themselves.” I changed himself to themselves, because you have to include the ladies too! I agree with Ryan with his point on making your thesis statement more noticeable. Good luck with your paper!
It is rather difficult to believe that a single molecule could be considered the most valuable to all life. Wound into an intricate spiral structure known as a double helix, this molecule is responsible for the instruction of how to produce cells, the simplest part of all living organisms. So what is this magnificent molecule that is so vital to life?
ReplyDeleteDeoxyribonucleic acid, or DNA, is a term that would be known by anyone who has taken a basic science class. Inherited DNA is the very beginning of every organism on Earth. DNA leads to the production of other molecules of the cell, and has an impact on everything that occurs in every organism. It is able to be reproduced trillions of times, unwind, and resemble. DNA is the core of the development and balance of life. Now, even more astonishing, it can now be produced in a test tube.
This process is called in vitro, and the resulting product is called recombinant DNA. Recombinant DNA has arisen to the establishment of genetically engineered organisms. A genetically engineered organism is simply an organism that been produced by non-natural methods with the genes from a different organism or organisms (Campbell et al., 2008, p. 422). Although they have been used for other means, genetically engineered organism’s today are primarily used in the production of food.
Genetically engineered food is incorporated in an average person’s daily diet; however, they are usually unaware of it (Hallman et al., 2003, p. 5). Those people who are aware of genetically engineered food products tend to have very controversial opinions about them. The environment is one major concern when it comes to the production of genetically modified food because most genetic modification takes place in crops, which have a direct impact on the environment. Another major concern is the potential of negative long-term effects on human health, such as a new allergen accidentally being created. All of these concerns about the negative effects of genetically modified foods have caused the establishment of unneeded laws against their production. These laws not only make producing more beneficial food products difficult and expensive, but also make researching the potential concerns of genetically engineered foods more burdensome (Fedoroff, 2011). Genetically engineered foods should be legal because they are safe, allow more food to be produced, and have additional benefits that non-genetically engineered foods lack.
I got laurels!
ReplyDeleteThe man was strapped down to the cold, hard surface. His eyes shut tight, not in fear but in a silent prayer. He knew it would all be over soon. The onlookers gazed at him as the needles were pushed into his veins, a slight discomfort that would soon be alleviated. With a push of a button, the fluids began to flow through the system. In under a minute, the death row inmate had received his final punishment. This case can be seen worldwide more frequently than humans would like to imagine. Every year, 250 people are put to death under capital punishment. While the number may seem minimal, a significantly larger amount are sentenced to death row on an annual basis. The irony is that, of these prisoners, only a small percentage live long enough to see their actual punishment. The rest die while they are confined and waiting for their turn. The question then becomes how proper the death was. Of those sentenced to death row, a select few are actually innocent. This problem has been diminished with the use of DNA testing but is still present. Therefore, debates on the application of this punishment are extremely frequent and, more often than not, very heated.
ReplyDeleteThere are people throughout the nation with differing opinions on the matter of the death penalty. These opinions come from far and wide. They are the root of many controversies. The stances can eventually be narrowed down to three major sides. Some people firmly believe that if a person is sentenced to death row, they should deal with their punishment because they are truly awful people. This is one of the strongest theories that have been developed. It is an extreme that basically considers the death penalty as the righteous way to handle matters where dangerous criminals are involved. Another widely held opinion is that people should be thoroughly investigated prior to sentencing to make sure that guilt is certain. This is the more moderate standpoint. It gives leave for the use of capital punishment but also condemns a speedy process. The simplest thought yet is that capital punishment is just wrong. It is considered as taking a life and thus is immoral. It is the exact opposite stance in comparison to the others, denying any use of the process whatsoever. The stances are extremely different but they all come down to whether or not the death penalty is right or wrong in certain situations. Looking at the past, it is easy to see it's frequent use, and sometimes abuse, but does that make it right in modern society? For many reasons, the answer is simple. Although used liberally in the past, the death penalty should not be permitted unless the defendant is guilty beyond all doubt.
I call Laurel's
ReplyDeletei got coppolo
ReplyDeleteLaurel
ReplyDeleteI really like your topic, and I can tell it is something you are interested in and know quite a lot about. You succeeded in starting off with a broad topic and increasingly narrowing it down. There are very few mistakes I can find. In your third paragraph in the sentence “Although they have been used for other means, genetically engineered organism’s today are primarily used in the production of food” : the word organism’s needs to be changed to “organisms”. The sentence does not show possession. I also think you can take out the word “rather” in your very first sentence. You do not really need it. Other than some minor details, good job!
Laurel,
ReplyDeleteYour introduction was nearly perfect in my opinion. Like Dr. Diiulio instructed, you started out with a very broad range of sentenced and finished perfectly with your thesis.
From the opening sentence, I was hooked. I continued to read it, not because it was an assignment but because you wrote it so well. The whole thing blended together and meshed into what you produced. I doubt that it could have been better. The sentences flowed and ran together greatly and I got a clear picture of what you were trying to convey. By including the history and background material, I was already able to get a good understanding of your topic and what you intend to write about.
If I could suggest anything it would be to combine it into a simple two paragraphs rather than the many you have posted. It would be hard for me to tell where your introduction started and stopped in the actual essay otherwise. Also, I would be very careful because some of the references could possibly be taken as a hint at creating life in test tubes (ie: babies and animals).
I'm really interested in seeing how this turns out. Best of luck with your paper!
Well here it is;
ReplyDeleteVince Lombardi, a great football coach, once said, “Mental toughness is essential to success.” Mental toughness is acquired over the course of one’s life. Toughening of the mind and of the body is achieved together. Through challenging the body, the mind is tested. A person must have self-discipline in order to challenge him or herself. To complete any task discipline is required. To overcome the obstacles people face, rather than avoid them or quit, they must have a certain sense of self-discipline. For this reason, discipline is closely related to mental toughness and the challenges that people confront. One can challenge the mind and body in many different ways, one of the most popular methods being athletics. Sports are obviously a physical challenge, but also sharpen the senses and test the brain’s skills. Athletics have become a large part of today’s society. The number of players as well as the number of fans has increased by large amounts over the years. People of all ages everywhere are affected by sports. Children are brought up with sports as a part of their lives when a family member is a fan of a sport or a certain team. Children are also exposed to sports in their schools. There are numerous amounts of student athletes in today’s schools. Athletes experience the benefits of taking part in sports. Students are taught valuable life skills that enrich the brain through athletics (Scheuer & Mitchell, 2003).
The skills advanced through sports are useful in a student’s future and allow them to mature as a person. These skills can be taught by spending time at practice, learning from coaches, or dedicating time to the sport. Some of these advantageous skills include time management, social skills, and a higher self-esteem. A number of these important skills cannot be taught in a classroom. However, they aid in classroom learning and studies. There are also skills taught through athletics that affect classroom learning more directly, such as memorization skills and overall learning capabilities (Trudeau & Shepard, 2008). Participation in athletics develops and enhances these skills by increasing brain function and the thought process. Sports are effective at developing these skills because they sharpen the brain in a more hands on ways than sitting in a classroom. They challenge the brain and toughen the athlete. The mental and physical challenges as well as the discipline associated with participating in athletics enhance a student’s academics performance.
I call Maria's as well!
ReplyDeleteAlex,
ReplyDeleteBefore I begin to talk about your introduction I want to say that I hope your stress from this morning was alleviated. Wow, your introduction is very strong, and very beautifully written. I struggle to even find a minor grammar mistake in your writing good job! When Dr.Pam spoke of an "attention getter" for the beginning of our paper this is exactly what she must have been talking about! The beginning of your introduction pulled me in completely and made reading the rest very enjoyable! Also I love how you used "For many reasons, the answer is simple." to pull your thesis into the paragraph! very well done. Just because I would like to say something constructive the second and third sentences of your second paragraph, "These opinions come from far and wide. They are the root of many controversies." sound a little choppy and maybe can be combined to flow a little bit better such as, "These opinions come from far and wide and have become the root of many controversies." Although I must say that is really nitpicking at a wonderfully written introduction! Good Job!!
Maria,
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more. Many times, it has been pointed out to is as students that we are amazing for being able to keep up with all the sport we do and academics on top of it without letting the quality of either truly fall. I think this is extranet accurate in relation to your topic. It is because of the numerous sports and activities that we do that we are all so well rounded and are capable of juggling many things.
You may want to include(if you're not already planning on it) how the organizational skills learned while switching between academics and athletics come into play later in life and can assist with jobs greatly.
Although you cannot relate it to yourself, there is an astonishing amount of accuracy. I hope you can adequately convey it without referring to anyone you specifically know or yourself. I hope it goes well for you and best of luck!
Mitchell,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback! Yeah, stress from this morning has gone down so thanks for the concern. Also, after reading back over the sentence, I find that you're absolutely right! I'm grateful to you for pointing out my mistake and for all the praise. Your's was really good too! It got my attention right away so great job.
Alex,
ReplyDeleteGreat Introduction! It kept me reading, I love the way you started it out. I think in this sentence; “With a push of a button, the fluids began to flow through the system.” It should say “With a push of a button, the fluids began to flow through his system.” Just to make it flow better. The way you start with a scenario really draws the reader in. I found that a few sentences toward the beginning were a bit hard to understand. When you said “Every year, 250 people are put to death under capital punishment. While the number may seem minimal, a significantly larger amount are sentenced to death row on an annual basis. The irony is that, of these prisoners, only a small percentage live long enough to see their actual punishment” I think that if anything the last sentence should be reworded to say “It is ironis that only a small percentage of these prisoners live long enough to see their actual punishment.” This seems like a topic that you did your research on and can write about passionately. Great job.